I suppose I should start off with a quick introduction. My name is Paula, I live in the Boondocks outside of Portland, and generally like staying in said Boondocks. Due to losing my job a year ago, the craptastic economy, and my lack of any real world skills (What do you mean European History isn't a real skill?!) I am going back to school at 32 years young. I did a lot of research and decided on a career that actually has available jobs, unlike European History...a job in the medical field! I settled on a certain niche in the medical field, and found out the best school in the area that offers it, is completely on the other side of Portland from me, and has the worst parking imaginable. Now, like any sane person, I hate driving in Portland. Our drivers aren't particularly "bad" they are just....wussy and easily distracted. There's a car pulled over off the side of the highway?! OMG! Quick, let's go 5 mph and stare at them!! Merge??! I don't quite understand that concept, I must slam on my breaks and have a panic attack! That is every day in Portland. So my ingenious idea was to take MAX, the local train system. Ha! I don't have to sit in traffic, fight for parking, and I can be smug (shameless South Park reference) about using public transportation!
So yesterday, after much planning on MAX's website, I bravely ventured into Portland via the train for a test run! I'm anal about being on time, and wanted to make sure it was all good. I found a route that took you by train and then you got on a bus for a very short ride straight to the college. Perfect! I got up early, got to the train station on time, got a good seat with my back to the wall (I have issues with strange people behind me...) and was feeling good about everything! I was happily listening to Adam Carolla on my Ipod, was studiously avoiding eye contact with other riders, and enjoying the scenery out the window. That's when I had my first sighting of one of Portland's infamous freaks. For those who don't know, Portland has a motto, there are bumper stickers that say "Keep Portland Weird" Well...I don't think it's in any danger of losing that title. For my first freak sighting, going along I-84, standing on a balcony directly off the road, was a fat, old, buck naked old man, watching traffic. Um. Wow? Kind of glad the train was going fast and I didn't catch all the details!
Then I got off, found the stop to transfer to my bus, and got on the bus. Only to quickly figure out, I got on the bus going the wrong damn way! Crap. I didn't feel like riding the bus all day, so I hopped off in downtown Portland, where I'm sorry to say there were no freak sightings. I did however run into one my my husband's co-workers, who was probably thinking "Oh shit, it's the boss' wife and it's 9 am..." but he was very nice and helped me find my way to a MAX station, as I knew what train would get me close to the college.
I made it to the college without incident. I'd have to make a whole other blog about the idiots at the college. Community Colleges unfortunately attract two kinds of people. The first kind are genuinely trying to change their life for the better and taking full advantage of their time there. The second kind? Complete fucking idiots. Sadly the latter seems to outweigh the former and they were all there yesterday!
Having got all my business at school done, I trekked back to the train station and hopped on. I've decided, "Screw it with the bus, I can walk half a mile." It's a crappy neighborhood, but I have pepper spray and would be absolutely delighted to use it on someone! It's one of my secret goals to one day take out someone and get interviewed on the news for it, so my mom can go, "Shit. I knew this day was coming."
All was uneventful until we made a stop on the train, where I spotted freak #2. Freak #2 was the absolute worst transvestite I've ever seen. Picture a short Hispanic male, muscular, with a denim mini skirt, tube top, heels, a flower in his very short hair, and one very manly bulge. It was like he made no attempt at hiding the fact other than putting on women's clothing. Maybe that was his goal though? Maybe I don't want to know.
Freak sighting #3 happened when I switched trains (and actually got on the right one!) It was a group sighting, but I'm going to count them all as one. There was a group of young hippies, dressed in what HAD to be road kill coyote skins. Remember I'm a redneck who lives in the boondocks, I know a dead coyote when I see (and smell) it. Now, I wasn't aware that the mountain man look had come back in! If I'd known, I would have picked up that raccoon I saw the other day for a hat! Oh yes, one was actually carrying a banjo. I shit you not.
But that was the first in my adventures on MAX. Since the first day was so colorful, it inspired me to make a blog. I can only imagine what is going to greet me in the next 2 years of school to come...
"Oh yes, one was actually carrying a banjo. I shit you not."
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!!