How to spot a freak who is proud of their freakishness...

You have to applaud the freaks who know they are freaks, and embrace it. I saw this bike at school today. Now I never saw the owner, but I'm guessing they fit nicely into my freak category. Because this is a freak-cycle if I ever done saw one!  Pardon the horrible photograph. My photo editing software has mysteriously gone missing since my husband worked on my computer last... But this Swan Cycle is really a work of art, and ingenious! They can stash all their freaky little things in there as they are going to art class, or philosophy, or perhaps poetry 101? But thank you person with the Swan Cycle, you made me laugh my ass off this morning, and made the security guards look at me like I was going to swan nap the bike.

I did happen to see a worthy addition to the Freak Parade today. I think we've all seen this guy somewhere. It's the fat white kid, who thinks he's ghetto, and is listening to his Ipod and dancing and rapping along while he does so. You know, he's got all those gittin' jiggy with it moves straight out of 1993. Please, please, I beg of you chubby white boy, pull up your pants, quit rapping and bustin' a move. You look like a damn fool.

Doesn't really fit into a nice category...

Now I've not been slacking, I assure you. But the freak sightings just haven't been up to expectation lately. So with that in mind, today's may be a bit of a stretch, because she didn't quite fit the freak category.

A woman, in nice business casual wear sat across from me on the train this morning. Well dressed, well groomed, so I didn't pay her much attention. She started rooting through her big bag, like a pig after truffles, and that kind of caught my eye. She soon pulled out a big plastic bag (like the kind you put veggies in from the store) that was at least halfway full of pens. I'm kind of casually watching out of the corner of my eye now... She proceeds to test every single pen in the bag out, and then sorting them into 2 piles. I'm assuming the working and non working pens? I found this a wee bit strange that she had chose the train as the place to carry out this activity, but whatever. She then digs back into the bag and gleefully pulls out a metal nail file with a pointy end. She then, with great concentration and attention to detail, proceeds to clean out each and every fingernail. Hmm..That's something I usually attend to before leaving the house, but again, whatever. Then after the manicure, she then pulls out a toothpick! Yup, goes to town with that baby, her dentist must love her.

Now she seemed like a nice woman, smiled at people sitting down, helped a kid out with directions for stations, but her choice of things to do to kill time on the train was rather unique! I think she needs to ask Santa for an Ipod.

No other classes for the rest of the week thanks to an in-service. Whoohoo! Let's keep our fingers crossed for some good freak pickins next week. Maybe Halloween will bring some out?

Here kitty kitty!!

So I am now in the second week of school, with only minor freak sightings on the train. Freaks galore, sure, but none quite worthy of their own post. But I will give a few an honorable mention here tonight before we get on to the main event!

1. Fat girl wearing skinny jeans hanging off her ass. Now, I'm not pointing any fingers at fat girls, because I'm a bit on the curvy side myself. But this girl was about 250, maybe 5'3", and she had one of those potato builds. You know, she kind of looked like a potato with legs. Very top heavy, no curves, and no butt. Just a potato with stick legs. Well, fat girls should not wear skinny jeans ever in the best of circumstances, but to have them hanging off your ass like a gangsta'?! And she didn't have the decency to have underpants on underneath, seriously, like half her ass was hanging out. *insert full body shudder here*

2. Dude with a Hitler hair cut, Hitler stash, and a Hitler shirt on. Really? It was kind of overkill. We got it, you LOVE Hitler. Tone it down some eh?

3. Old lady in wheelchair with Ronald McDonald wig on. Now I shouldn't be making fun of elderly people in wheelchairs, but to have a bright ass red curly wig on? Made me want some fries and a shake!

Ok, I've kept you in suspense long enough. Today's freak sighting was a doozy. I was practically cackling to myself as he got on the train. It was just too good to be true! Picture this...Emo kid, maybe 20, black skinny jeans, black shoes, black t-shirt, and...a cat eye mask on! It was nowhere as nice as the one I have pictured. It was white, with some purple sparkly things on it, and some scraggly ass looking whiskers, he kind of looked like a cat that had seen better days.

Mr. Kitty took a seat right in front of me, it was quite hard hiding my glee as I was having an internal debate with myself as to whether or not I should try and get a cell phone picture. Alas, I haven't gotten brave enough to take pictures of the freaks in their natural habitat, mainly because I don't want my ass kicked. But Mr. Kitty soon got up and started pacing around, and just looking like the biggest drama queen ever. He was hanging off the bars sighing and fake Emo crying. Finally, a gentleman, who had very obvious problems himself with crutches, asked Mr. Kitty if he was alright. Come on! Let's have some cat dignity here! Pull yourself together man! If the poor man who likely had MS or something was worried about you, maybe it's time to not act like you have a hairball. Mr. Kitty evidently thought the same, and pulled himself together with a little feline dignity. (I'm sure my cats would heartily disagree and would hopefully shun him) He sat back down and looked out the window at that point. He even got off at my stop, but I quickly lost sight of him. I hope he didn't dart out into traffic. But thank you Mr. Kitty, you made my day!

First day of school, and uneventful freak watching

Well, I find myself off to a slow start with today's freak watching update. For my first day of school, just ordinary run of the mill freaks were out. Nothing too thrilling. Yes, there was a homeless lady who had a Chihuahua with a rain slicker on (think Gorton's Fisherman) Yes, there was what I'm guessing was a skinhead with all sorts of Nazi tattoos, tattoos of tears on his face, and what looked to be an old bullet wound in his head. (to the baby he had in the stroller, good luck dude) Yes, there was a hippy playing a ukulele. But these were just your everyday garden variety of freaks. I hope I'm not getting jaded already!!

Not quite a PDX freak. Tillamook Coolness

Since I don't start school until next week, I thought I should take this opportunity to get used to writing here. This one isn't really a "freak" but I just had to say something about it!

This weekend we were in Tillamook. Tillamook is a small coastal/farm town on the Oregon Coast. Now growing up in a small Oregon Coast town myself, I totally understand, and probably did stupider things, but this was just classic!

We had stopped at the Safeway for some snacks before we headed home. Where we spotted in the parking lot, in a big ole jacked up pickup truck, a teenage boy, totally blasting out to Billy Squier's The Stroke. For those who aren't versed with this classic, you can find it here The Stroke Now my husband and I had a good giggle, as this kid thought he was pretty damned cool. We went in, poked around, waited forever in line, and came back out, at least a good 20 minutes later, and guess what?? The kid was still rocking out to the same song! But now, he had decided to sit in the window of the truck in an effort to look extra cool! Way to go dude! You're just 20 years too late! Hell, Billy Squier was before MY time! I guess the 80's are back though right? Needless to say, I didn't see any hot teenage girls flocking around the truck.

My first trip on MAX, complete with nakedness, bulges, and coyote skins!

I suppose I should start off with a quick introduction. My name is Paula, I live in the Boondocks outside of Portland, and generally like staying in said Boondocks. Due to losing my job a year ago, the craptastic economy, and my lack of any real world skills (What do you mean European History isn't a real skill?!) I am going back to school at 32 years young. I did a lot of research and decided on a career that actually has available jobs, unlike European History...a job in the medical field! I settled on a certain niche in the medical field, and found out the best school in the area that offers it, is completely on the other side of Portland from me, and has the worst parking imaginable. Now, like any sane person, I hate driving in Portland. Our drivers aren't particularly "bad" they are just....wussy and easily distracted. There's a car pulled over off the side of the highway?! OMG! Quick, let's go 5 mph and stare at them!! Merge??! I don't quite understand that concept, I must slam on my breaks and have a panic attack! That is every day in Portland. So my ingenious idea was to take MAX, the local train system. Ha! I don't have to sit in traffic, fight for parking, and I can be smug  (shameless South Park reference) about using public transportation!


So yesterday, after much planning on MAX's website, I bravely ventured into Portland via the train for a test run! I'm anal about being on time, and wanted to make sure it was all good.  I found a route that took you by train and then you got on a bus for a very short ride straight to the college. Perfect! I got up early, got to the train station on time, got a good seat with my back to the wall (I have issues with strange people behind me...) and was feeling good about everything! I was happily listening to Adam Carolla on my Ipod, was studiously avoiding eye contact with other riders, and enjoying the scenery out the window. That's when I had my first sighting of one of Portland's infamous freaks. For those who don't know, Portland has a motto, there are bumper stickers that say "Keep Portland Weird" Well...I don't think it's in any danger of losing that title. For my first freak sighting, going along I-84, standing on a balcony directly off the road, was a fat, old, buck naked old man, watching traffic. Um. Wow? Kind of glad the train was going fast and I didn't catch all the details!

Then I got off, found the stop to transfer to my bus, and got on the bus. Only to quickly figure out, I got on the bus going the wrong damn way! Crap. I didn't feel like riding the bus all day, so I hopped off in downtown Portland, where I'm sorry to say there were no freak sightings. I did however run into one my my husband's co-workers, who was probably thinking "Oh shit, it's the boss' wife and it's 9 am..." but he was very nice and helped me find my way to a MAX station, as I knew what train would get me close to the college.

I made it to the college without incident. I'd have to make a whole other blog about the idiots at the college. Community Colleges unfortunately attract two kinds of people. The first kind are genuinely trying to change their life for the better and taking full advantage of their time there. The second kind? Complete fucking idiots. Sadly the latter seems to outweigh the former and they were all there yesterday! 


Having got all my business at school done, I trekked back to the train station and hopped on. I've decided, "Screw it with the bus, I can walk half a mile." It's a crappy neighborhood, but I have pepper spray and would be absolutely delighted to use it on someone! It's one of my secret goals to one day take out someone and get interviewed on the news for it, so my mom can go, "Shit. I knew this day was coming."

All was uneventful until we made a stop on the train, where I spotted freak #2. Freak #2 was the absolute worst transvestite I've ever seen. Picture a short Hispanic male, muscular, with a denim mini skirt, tube top, heels, a flower in his very short hair, and one very manly bulge. It was like he made no attempt at hiding the fact other than putting on women's clothing. Maybe that was his goal though? Maybe I don't want to know.

Freak sighting #3 happened when I switched trains (and actually got on the right one!) It was a group sighting, but I'm going to count them all as one. There was a group of young hippies, dressed in what HAD to be road kill coyote skins. Remember I'm a redneck who lives in the boondocks, I know a dead coyote when I see (and smell) it. Now, I wasn't aware that the mountain man look had come back in! If I'd known, I would have picked up that raccoon I saw the other day for a hat! Oh yes, one was actually carrying a banjo. I shit you not.

But that was the first in my adventures on MAX. Since the first day was so colorful, it inspired me to make a blog. I can only imagine what is going to greet me in the next 2 years of school to come...